I have to brag

Emma, one of the three founders of the blog Book Geeks Unite, posted this review of Leaving the Hall Light On. It's so awesome, I have to share it.

"Madeline Sharples’ Leaving the Hall Light On chronicles one woman’s challenges, grief and ultimately her healing as she and her family battle one son’s seven-year struggle with bipolar disorder and his untimely death by suicide.   As I was searching for words to describe this book (words usually come easy to me), I could not find them.  What to say about this book?  Where are my words?  Can you say you enjoyed a book about a mother’s grief over her son’s death?  Not just his death, his suicide?  I cannot say I enjoyed reading about her pain.  What I can say is that this book completely engulfed my emotions.   There were several times while reading, I realized I was not breathing.  I had to remind myself to breathe.  I realized that is a sign that I am “in” the book.  The author had somehow allowed me in.  I realized she had written me into her thoughts and emotions and had allowed me access to her experiences.  I realized the images in the book were haunting me…the beautiful little boy, the handsome young man, the beautiful family of four, and then the family of three.  Then, I found my words.  This book is poetic.  It is honest.  It is raw.  It is real.  Mrs. Sharples has, in my opinion, poured her soul, in the form of ink, onto paper and decided to share it with the world.

"If you have ever been touched my bipolar disorder and/or suicide, this book is a must read.  

"If you’ve been touched by any mental illness, this book is a must read.  

"Even if you haven’t been touched by any of these things, this book will empower you to overcome any tragedies you’ll ever endure and inspire you to recover."   ~ Emma

Also please go over to her site, Book Geeks Unite, and enter to win either a signed paperback or an electronic copy (the giveaway ends at 11:00 am PST). And if you've read my book, please write your own review. I'd love to know your thoughts.

Kudos to celebrities who work to erase stigma

Catherine Zeta-Jones checked into a mental health facility this Monday for bipolar disorder treatment. And I applaud her. She is proactive and committed to periodic care. What’s so important is that this news, so openly provided, helps erase stigma.

"It’s not easy,” she says. “I’m not the kind of person who likes to shout out my personal issues from the rooftops, but with my bipolar becoming public, I hope fellow sufferers will know it’s completely controllable. I hope I can help remove any stigma attached to it, and that those who don’t have it under control will seek help with all that is available to treat it."

Many other famous people have been afflicted with mental illness. The list is long. Some have managed to control their disease; others have not.

I became interested in working to erase stigma after my son’s suicide as a result of his bipolar disorder. I wrote earlier about my conviction that his death might have been avoided had he not been affected by stigma.

My blog piece

Does the Stigma of Mental Illness Still Exist?

states:

"My son was a young adult, age twenty-one, when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And throughout the seven years he struggled with the disease, I thoroughly believe the stigma of his mental illness stopped him from a program of treatment that might have saved him from his destiny, suicide.

From the literature I’ve read, mental illness in teens and young people is widespread. They typically shy away from discussing their illness because of the fear of being made fun of or bullied by their peers. That is stigma, that is what stops teens and adults from getting proper treatment.

The most important way to erase stigma is to open the conversation about mental illness. This conversation could cover several aspects:

What are the causes of mental illness? Knowing the causes will help erase stigma and enable a search for the ways to get help if needed. Mental illness is caused by a disease of the brain, actually a chemical imbalance in the brain, much like a physical disease such as asthma or mono. Physical illnesses need treatment, so do mental illnesses. Genetic factors also cause mental illness. Find out if there is any mental illness in your family, because if there is, you could be at risk. Mental illness was rampant in my family, and those genes were passed down to my son. Unfortunately we didn’t know enough to be prepared.

How do you know what mental illness actually looks like? According to an article by Hugh C. McBride, “Stigma Keeps Many from Getting Mental Health Treatment,” the symptoms are:

• Mood swings, agitation, and anxiety
• Altered sleep patterns (excessive sleeping or insomnia)
• Loss of focus or inability to concentrate
• Drastic weight changes (either gains or losses)
• Fatigue or exhaustion
• Loss of interest in hobbies, sports, school, or other activities that previously were important to the teen
• Decline in academic performance, frequent absences from school, and skipped classes
• Thoughts of death, expressions of wanting to die, discussions of suicide
• Substance abuse (including the abuse of alcohol, illicit drugs, and prescription pills)

What kinds of treatments are available? Therapy, short or long-term hospitalizations, and prescribed medications specific to the type of mental illness being treated are typical.

What are the dangers if mental illness is left untreated? These could be addiction to alcohol and/or drugs for those who are self-medicating. Suicide is also a real risk.

What are the forms of stigma? Now that it is clear that the stigma of mental illness still exists, it is important to know its forms: making direct negative remarks, calling a mentally ill person crazy, portraying a mentally ill person as a sociopath or violent in films and television, or characterizing a mentally ill person as weak or stupid."

Another actor, who works hard to erase stigma though not afflicted with mental illness herself, is Glenn Close. She has a sister with bipolar disorder and a nephew with schizoaffective disorder (my son was diagnosed with both).

Glenn founded the organization Bring Change 2 Mind. It’s mission: to emerge as the world's most effective organization working to eradicate the stigma and discrimination surrounding mental illness through widely distributed Public Education Materials based on the latest scientific insights and measured for effectiveness.

Thank you Catherine and Glenn and all the other celebrities who have made their mental illness public. Your good work toward erasing the stigma will go a long way to save lives.

Thoughts about the horrific Sandy Hook massacre

Four days ago a 20-year old man took his mother’s assault weapons, killed her, and then went to a local school and killed twenty children, ages 6 and 7, and six adults before he killed himself.

So much has come up for me since then – besides the tears. The senselessness of it, the grief of parents losing a child, the struggle of young children to get their arms around such a profound loss. Our whole country and probably the world are in mourning now, and we are all at a loss about what we can do. Right now all I can do is think and cry about it.

However, as I watched Bob Schieffer’s morning talk show yesterday while I was working out, two things came up for me – aside from the enormity of the numbers of guns bought and sold in our country and the senseless numbers of gun murders – over 32,000 a year. It is totally clear that we have the right to bear arms. There is no way we’ll be able to remove guns from our country. That said, can’t there be a better way to control them. The people on Schieffer’s show said it is harder to get a driver’s license than it is to buy a gun. Of course in the case of this shooter, he didn’t buy a gun. He used his mother’s.

They also brought up the success of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers – started by a mother of a victim of drunk driving in 1980. MADD changed the whole paradigm of drinking and driving.

Well, couldn’t we come up with an organization called something like Mothers for Gun Better Control and go on a campaign to better check out the people who buy guns? I keep hearing about the need for the mental health professionals to get involved in identifying violent mentally ill people. Then perhaps we could institute laws that would preclude those identified from buying guns. Of course that brings up all kinds of right of privacy issues. Believe me, I have no idea how any of this could or would work.

Also, the idea of lumping the words mentally ill and violent together ruffles my feathers. I know they are in movies and television. However, in my experience with my son who was mentally ill, that was not the case. He was always a gentle and caring person. The only violence he did was to himself when he took his life as a result of his bipolar disorder. And his weapon of choice was not a gun. And as hard as it to say, I am thankful for that. So I would hope we don’t think that all mentally ill people are violent. Otherwise, how would we ever be able to erase the stigma?

I know we are a long way from coming up with an action plan. Now we are grieving and mourning with the parents, siblings, and other family and friends of those who died so horrifically. I know from the experience of losing my son how difficult a time this is for all of them. Yet, I’ll never know the extent of their grief. How can they ever understand why this could happen to them, to their family, to their school, to their community? It is unfathomable.

I also relate to the possible posttraumatic stress that the surviving children might feel as a result of losing their siblings and school friends. When I was nine my favorite uncle was killed in a plane crash. I had just seen him the day before. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t believe it. I kept thinking he’d come back. And I didn’t stop thinking those thoughts for years. What does a six, seven, or nine, ten year old know about the finality of death? That is also unfathomable.

In the meantime, my thoughts, my heart, my tears are with all those who suffered this horrific loss in Newtown CT.

Answering questions about bipolar disorder and suicide at SkatingThru2012

Dr. Pam Young, former professor and current Holistic Health Practitioner, was the ninth host of my three-month marathon virtual book tour, AKA blog tour. She graciously posted this Question and Answer session with me on her blog SkatingThru2012 on November 6. I thank her so much for her support and all the work she did to put this post together. I have been so fortunate to have so many folks join me on this tour.

Author Madeline Sharples Answers Questions About Bi-Polar Disorder & Suicide

Posted on November 6, 2012 | 3 Comments

Memoirs can educate us by showing how one dealt with a particular circumstance.  In that way, they offer a sort of lighted pathway.  Such is the case with Leaving the Hall Light On by Madeline Sharples whose book tour included an invitation to bloggers to post questions about her experience not only to promote her book, but also to facilitate her mission since the death of her son: “…to raise awareness, educate, and erase the stigma of mental illness and suicide in hopes of saving lives.”

I selected these questions from my experience and shared desire to turn the light on, to dispel the darkness surrounding these issues.  Madeline’s experience is intensely personal.  She writes from a mother’s perspective–living with a son’s bi-polar disorder and surviving his suicide:

Q: What symptoms did your son show that caused you to seek help?   

Just before his first manic break in February 1993, he had traveled from New York where he was attending college at the New School to attend my mother’s 85^th birthday celebration. I have a wonderful photo of him playing Happy Birthday on the piano with her sitting beside him. He was perfectly normal. Two weeks later his girlfriend called to let us know something was very wrong with him. He was babbling, writing all over his apartment walls with a blue felt-tipped marker, and saying people were lurking in doorways out to get him and poisoning his food and cigarettes. His clothes were strewn all over the place, his dishes were stacked up—all behaviors so foreign to the orderly and neat guy he normally was. Most important, he was a jazz musician no longer able to sit still long enough at the piano to play a song through from the beginning to end.

Q:  Were there any warning signs about your son’s suicide? 

About a month before he died, he told me his girlfriend had broken up with him for not staying on his meds. In fact he asked me if I thought he could get her back. Since he had successfully reunited with her several times in the past, my answer was yes. During that conversation I got him to make an appointment to see his doctor because he seemed depressed. But he didn’t keep the appointment and became increasingly uncommunicative. However, since he still worked every day and stayed well groomed, I didn’t expect suicide. Both Bob and I thought this behavior—no meds and depression—would surely lead to another manic break, which had been his pattern in the past. I spoke with him the night before he died, just after he returned home from work. He was calm, pleasant, and loving—he certainly didn’t look like a person on his way to death.

Q:  How have you seen the stigma of mental illness and suicide play out in your life?

My son was a young adult, age twenty-one, when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And throughout the seven years he struggled with the disease,  I thoroughly believe the stigma of his mental illness stopped him from a program of treatmentthat might have saved him from his destiny, suicide. He was a master of hiding his illness. In fact he worked as a trouble-shooter for an internet service provider the last two years of his life, and his co-workers had no idea he was ill.

Stigma is also rampant in my family. A few months ago my cousin came to our house to review and discuss the family history my husband had been writing. After reviewing the material he made one request—leave out the part about his father’s bipolar disorder. In fact he didn’t want to see any discussion of any of the mental illness that permeates my side of our family. That was proof enough for me that the stigma of mental illness still exists.

Q:  What can a person do to help and comfort a family that has experienced a suicide or other tragedy?

My greatest comfort after our son’s death came from my next-door neighbor Patty. She offered to put up out-of-town relatives, she brought over bagels and cream cheese in the morning, and she supplied the coffee for the open house after the funeral. The word “suicide” didn’t make her back off.

Before the first Thanksgiving after Paul’s death, Patty left a basket on my doorstep. Her note said that she dreaded the holidays after her mother died, so she gathered a few things to ease the holiday season for me. As I read her note and looked through the basket, I cried, not only out of the dread of being without Paul on Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and his New Year’s Eve birthday, but for the generosity and caring of a person I hardly knew.  In such a quiet and unassuming way, she showed me real human compassion and understanding. She never asked me a lot of questions, and she didn’t intrude on my privacy.  She just let me know she was there for me if I needed her.

Among the items inside was a poetry book about coping with the loss of a love—she knew I wrote poetry. She also included a journal, a sweet smelling candle, a box of absolutely delicious chocolate covered graham crackers, and a smooth gray stone.

This stone became my biggest comfort. Just large enough to fit in the palm of my hand, it feels the perfect size when I close my hand around it. One edge is round and the other is triangular. One side is plain; the other has the word “son” carved into it. Right after Patty left the basket on my doorstep, my little stone became my nighttime friend.

I got into the habit of going to bed with it. Once settled, I held it on my chest just between my breasts. I liked its coldness on my aching heart. It helped me relax. Holding it in my hand and reading the word with my thumb also helped. I carried it around in my pocket for a while. I wanted to feel it there for me. Then, I began to wonder about my own sanity. Was I trying to exchange my son for a stone?

When I got myself more together and began to feel better, I let go of it and let it rest on another item from that basket—a little, silk-covered, sachet pillow that smells of lavender with butterflies and the word “heal” painted on the silk. These two gifts from Patty are still there on my bedside table after all these years.

Q:  Did writing about your experience help you?  

Even before Paul died, I started writing about him and his bipolar disorder.  Keeping a journal got out the frustrations of dealing with his episodes, hospitalizations, and erratic behavior, and I continued doing it after he died. I also took classes through UCLA Extension’s writing program, a private instructor in Los Angeles, and at workshops at my healing place, Esalen, in Big Sur, CA. This material and my new-found passion for writing poetry became grist for my memoir. Writing helped me recover, and it enabled me to keep Paul’s memory alive.

Q:  What advice do you have for families that have been affected by mental illness or suicide? 

First, I recommend families find out as much about bipolar disorder as you can—the best doctors, hospitals, medications available, and how to get to them. Also know about suicide prevention. What I didn’t know when our son was diagnosed is that bipolar is a killer disease—especially in young men. Then try to give your loved one with the disease the facts. That way he/she will feel less stigmatized and will be more likely to accept help. It is important to know that bipolar disorder is a disease of the brain just like asthma is a disease of the lungs. It can be treated. A person with bipolar is not violent, is not a sociopath, is not weak, is not stupid. A person with bipolar is like everyone else except with a treatable chemical imbalance in the brain.

Second, I would want people affected by bipolar disorder and suicide to know that it is possible to survive and be productive after the death of a child. I would advise them to:

1. Take your time—don’t let anyone tell you that the time for grief should be over.
2. Take good care of your health: workout, eat healthy, get enough rest, meditate, travel, and be open to new friends and new experiences.
3. Pamper yourself: stay in shape physically, stay well groomed, buy a new article of clothing once in a while, take long healing walks.
4. Pretend you’re feeling better by putting on a smiley face and pretty soon you will feel better (I call it playacting).
5. Find an artistic outlet and other diversions to take your mind off of it.

Madeline and her husband of forty-plus years live in Manhattan Beach, California. Madeline’s mission since the death of her son is to raise awareness, educate, and erase the stigma of mental illness and suicide in hopes of saving lives.

[Click here to buy Leaving The Hall Light On.]

[Click here to see other blog stops on the tour.]

~333~

Thanks Madeline–not only for sharing your experience, but for your commitment to raising awareness, educating, and erasing the stigma of mental illness and suicide in hopes of saving lives.  It’s been a pleasure to be part of your book tour!

What about our readers?  Is there someone out there who can help shed light on bi-polar disorder or suicide to share Madeline’s mission? Please add your comments below. 

Till next time, when “Stormy Weather”–my journey back from elbow surgery–continues. ~Pam

My paperback launch is August 6

Since Dream of Things will launch the paperback edition of Leaving the Hall Light On: A Mother’s Memoir of Living with Her Son’s Bipolar Disorder and Surviving His Suicide this Monday, August 6, I thought I’d share the newest reviews posted on Amazon in the last three weeks.

They are all five-star.

I couldn’t be happier about the wonderful response to my memoir. I hope these reviews will entice you to read the book yourselves.

Madeline Sharples propels her readers through a startling emotional landscape of those left behind after suicide, in "Leaving the Hall Light on." Incredibly intimate and revealing….Her imagery, scenes, and movement through her family's recovery expertly nail the high art of the memoir. Ruth Belanger

It took considerable courage to write this book. Madeline Sharples describes a path from guilt and grief to recovery. Life goes on but it requires personal fortitude. Anyone who has experienced the suicide of a family member will find Madeline's story helpful. John D. Caldwell

This book takes you on an emotional journey which is gripping, frightening, and ultimately uplifting.…As their journey moves from alarm to acceptance, Madeline Sharples explains with great clarity, detail and compassion the impact that the events have on not just her as a mother, but on her entire family.…She offers us a window into the human heart and its capacity to deal with tragedy. A truly compelling book about the strength of family. Any father, mother, son, daughter, brother, or sister facing a family challenge, large or small, will find great strength, solace, and support in this courageously honest and well written book. Martin Robinson

Madeline Sharples has written a most heartfelt and courageous book about the mental illness and suicide of her son, Paul. It is amazing and touching that she could find such poetic, soulful and honest words to capture the relentless grief of a mother's love…. Alice and Richard Matzkin

As a mom, I've left the "hall light on" so many times, knowing that light would help bring my children home safely. It took great courage and incredible strength for this author to open up and share the most intimate details of her life and her story about Paul. Two thumbs up for Leaving The Hall Light On. Pat Hess

….This is not a "how to" book that tells you what to in case of a crisis in your family; it expresses Madeline's pain, frustration, and her journey to overcome the pain of losing a child….Madeline doesn't sugar coat her experience, she writes candidly about her experiences as a way to heal and to help others who face similar situations. Rae Ann Galinato

I have been friends with Madeline for many years and in fact had lunch with her a few days before her son's death.…When I heard her tragic news, probably the worst a parent can get, I wondered how she would ever cope. Her beautifully written, beautifully honest book answers that question. In a different way than she had always hoped, it nonetheless will be greatly helpful to any parent unfortunate enough to face a similar situation. Or to all of us who can benefit from an example of living with profound courage. Nancie Doughty

In this intensely personal memoir, Madeline Sharples, mother, author and poet, explains the heartbreak and loss of living and losing a son to bipolar disorder. Leaving the Hall Light On is a beautiful, haunting, yet ultimately redemptive book that will stay with the reader for a long time and carries a message of hope for others who may have been touched by the pain of mental illness….Leaving The Hall Light On serves as a beautiful love-letter to Paul. It tells him, and the reader, that his loss was not in vain, that his mother survived and found a way to live again and that she found some peace through writing. This story is a tribute to them both. Elizabeth Isenberg

….The gift that I take away from Leaving the Hall Light On is the way Madeline and her beautiful family responded to the worst tragedy any mother, father and family can endure. While it's true that Paul was bipolar and it is also true that he took his own life, what this amazing family has done is to say, that doesn't define who Paul really was as a human being. There are a million other things that describe Paul. He was a gifted musician, he was kind and caring and incredibly intelligent. He was a computer whiz and loved children. Paul loved his mother, father and his brother Ben. He fell in love and was loved back. These are the things he left behind, the evidence of a life, that Paul was so much more than his illness. What the Sharples family has done is choose not to live in the one horrific day and instead, remember the other million days. For anyone that has lost someone they love, this family can help you navigate your way through the darkness. It's clearly not easy, but it can happen. You can't have the same life, but a different, almost as good life. It is a sad but beautifully written book. Dina Kucera

LA Times Festival of Books - was it worth it?

I spent most the last couple of days at the LA Times Festival of Books held at the University of Southern California campus. And most of the time I hung at the Greater Los Angeles Writers Society booth.

 I'm holding Paul's Putting a Face on Suicide poster

I was pleased to bond with several of the GLAWS members who volunteered to provide hospitality to people interested in joining our group and to help those of us who paid for a selling and signing place at the booth.

Here I am with author and actor, 

Ace Antonio Hall, my GLAWS colleague

I also learned a thing or two about my author colleagues. Most were lovely and friendly but as expected kept to themselves and their customers during our signing sessions. However, the woman next to me used her space as well as mine until I told her next time she needs to pay for two places, not one. She didn’t bat an eye and just leaned over my table space to yet again sign one of her posters for someone. But I won out in the end. My friends in charge arranged for me to have some extra selling time.

Pretty cramped quarters

When I came home after my first afternoon at the festival, absolutely exhausted from being on my feet for three straight hours, I made up my mind I wouldn’t pay to be a part of that festival again. It wasn’t worth it. I only sold one book on Saturday.

But I went back on Sunday with a newly enlivened attitude, and before it was even my turn to set my selling space up, I sold a book. Friends who had seen my event invitation on Facebook came and bought—what a great surprise. And once I was up and running, I sold two more books almost immediately. I think my new strategy of asking for the sale worked. When I saw interest, I just asked, “May I sign one of my books for you?” and sure enough both of the women who bought said yes.

Unfortunately the sales ended there, but not the conversations. As always when people find out what my memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On, is about, I hear their personal stories of suicide and mental illness. Or they are therapists and work with people at risk. One man asked me why I thought suicide was so prevalent now. Another told me how selfish it is to do that kind of hurt to one’s family and loved ones. Another asked my credentials. I said: I’m just a mother. I wrote my story. My credentials came from living through my son's bipolar disorder and surviving his suicide death.

So, here are a few book festival lessons learned:

• Bring plenty of bookmarks. Stand up in front of your display and pass them out. Then you’ll be ready to speak to interested people at their level – they won’t have to look down at you in your seat.

• Introduce yourself as the author of the book they are looking at. People like to meet authors in person.

• Don’t expect to recoup the money you spent for the booth space. I almost did, but that’s because I am selling a hardback edition.

• Learn how to ask for the sale. My pitch worked twice – so I plan to use it again.

• Be prepared to keep smiling and keep talking. Even if you don’t get the sale right then, the odds are you’ll get some later. After all they still have your bookmark.

• Don't expect the people who say they'll be there to show up. But surprises are always possible. I don't even know that all the advertising I did in Facebook and here on Choices made much difference.

• And, if I decide to go back next year, I won’t go both days. It’s too much standing.

• Plan to have a good deep massage afterward.