Tuesday, November 13, 2007

So, what's the deal, anyway?

When I went back to work almost four years ago and officially came out of retirement I thought I’d stay on the job for 2 maybe 3 years the most. But in January it will be 4 years and I can see no end in sight. I keep talking about it. I keep thinking about it. I keep writing about it. But I don’t get even close to calling it quits. I want to know what that is all about. Why won’t I let go? Why am I still competing? I say that I don’t care about a career anymore. I say I’m not in competition with anyone, but in reality I still am.
I think it’s the routine that I like. Getting up in the morning to exercise. Coming home and showering and doing my hair and getting dressed in good looking woman executive clothes – that I pay a fortune for – and putting on the makeup. I wonder if I look foolish. Many people say I don’t look I’m as old as I am, but they could just be saying that. Maybe they are just humoring the old fool that I am.
So I wonder if there are other woman my age out there who feel like I do. That we feel that we must keep going or else we’ll lose it all together. I know if I didn’t work, if I didn’t have to keep so many facts in my mind I really would lose it. And if I didn’t have to get up and get dressed every day would I just want to stay in bed or lie on the couch and read and eat and get fat and have to wear a muumuu. I just don’t know. And I’m afraid to find out.


Dara said...

First of all, you could never get fat enough to wear a mumuu. Just not possible. Secondly, I am fully in support of you quitting your job. Especially if you're as disatisfied with it as you're expressing here. You are a writer. You love it. You're passionate about it. And you're good at it. If you quit work, you could still install a routine in your life, except instead of going to an office from 9-5, you could sit in your beautiful office, looking out at your beautiful garden and write from 9-5. I know it's easy to just sleep the day away if you have nowhere that you're expected to be, but you are not that type of person. You would never allow yourself that kind of laziness. You have so many things inside waiting to be said and heard, written and read, why waste time and energy trying to keep it all in?

madeline40 said...

I love you so much. Thank you.
See you Wednesday.