When I went back to work almost four years ago and officially came out of retirement I thought I’d stay on the job for 2 maybe 3 years the most. But in January it will be 4 years and I can see no end in sight. I keep talking about it. I keep thinking about it. I keep writing about it. But I don’t get even close to calling it quits. I want to know what that is all about. Why won’t I let go? Why am I still competing? I say that I don’t care about a career anymore. I say I’m not in competition with anyone, but in reality I still am.
I think it’s the routine that I like. Getting up in the morning to exercise. Coming home and showering and doing my hair and getting dressed in good looking woman executive clothes – that I pay a fortune for – and putting on the makeup. I wonder if I look foolish. Many people say I don’t look I’m as old as I am, but they could just be saying that. Maybe they are just humoring the old fool that I am.
So I wonder if there are other woman my age out there who feel like I do. That we feel that we must keep going or else we’ll lose it all together. I know if I didn’t work, if I didn’t have to keep so many facts in my mind I really would lose it. And if I didn’t have to get up and get dressed every day would I just want to stay in bed or lie on the couch and read and eat and get fat and have to wear a muumuu. I just don’t know. And I’m afraid to find out.