I first met
Eleanor Vincent, memoirist, essayist, and award winning author, in a writing workshop at Esalen in Big Sur
California. It was in December 1999, four months after my son Paul took his
life. While I was just getting my writing fingers moving again. Eleanor was
already writing the first parts of her wonderful memoir, Swimming
with Maya: A Mother’s Story. We have been friends ever since.
And I am so
pleased that Swimming with Maya was just
re-released in paperback and eBook by my publisher, Dream of Things, this past February.
Join me in
welcoming Eleanor Vincent to Choices as she discusses her life since Maya died, the writing of Swimming with Maya, her writing work now, and some of her favorite books, authors, and things to do on
a Sunday afternoon.
MS: You have experienced one of life’s
greatest tragedies. How can people who have experienced a personal tragedy find
peace and meaning in daily life?
EV: I think it’s different for
everyone, but in general the things that helped me most were:
- Excellent
self-care and self-nurturance – eating well, resting, getting massages and pedicures,
taking time to just be and not forcing myself to do, do, do.
- Getting
support from people trained in bereavement, both psychological and spiritual.
My therapist was a bereaved mother herself, so she really got it, and that was
pivotal in my recovery. My spiritual mentor Rev. Margaret Stortz was also very
supportive.
- Writing
was a huge piece of my recovery. I think it’s very important to have a creative
outlet and that could be anything from knitting or other crafts, to painting,
to making music – whatever allows you to fully express yourself and your grief.
- Giving
myself the gift of time. There’s an old bromide “Time heals,” but I don’t think
the simple passage of time healed me. I had to be willing to do the work. Time
just passes. In the end, I think love heals – and that could be anything you
feel passionately about – over time I felt more love and less grief. I was just
so grateful to have had Maya with us for almost 20 years. She was a gift. It’s
important to understand that there is no such thing as “closure.” I’ll never
get over losing Maya, but I’ve incorporated that loss into my life and learned
to adapt to it.
MS: You wrote a beautiful memoir, Swimming with Maya, about your daughter
and your experience of losing her. Tell us about that journey and who might
benefit from reading your book.
EV: I think
my book could benefit anyone because it’s about hope and resilience. Swimming with Maya is a love story –
it’s about a young woman who loved life and a mother who loved her daughters,
and lost one of them. As parents, we all have to let go of our children. When
your child dies, that happens in one terrible wrenching moment. So the book is
about the long journey of letting go, of healing, and of coming to terms with
Maya’s sudden death. I’ve heard from many parents who have never lost a child
that Swimming with Maya helped them
become better parents by helping them to appreciate and treasure each moment
with their child. Most of all, it’s a compelling story and, while parts are
very tragic, parts are touching, or funny, or inspiring. It’s a good read, so I
think anyone could relate to it on that level and benefit from it.
MS: What were some of the benefits to
you in writing Swimming with Maya?
EV: At the beginning of the process,
during the raw writing, I think it saved my sanity. It gave me a space and
place to grapple with my feelings. As time passed, and I began revising the
book and refining the way I structured it, I think it gave me a sense of
control. When I lost Maya, I lost my future and my illusion that I had any
control over my life. I was the mother of a gifted young actress and I counted
on seeing her face on a movie screen one day. When that dream shattered, I had
to create a new future, a new dream. Writing the book gave me a way to channel
my dreams for Maya into a work of art that would be worthy of her, and to claim
my own work in the world as a writer and an artist.
MS: You have also found a way to keep
your daughter alive through organ donation. Please tell us about making the
decision to donate her organs. How does that decision feel now after all these
years?
EV: I recently met the daughter of the
man who received Maya’s heart. Our gift to Fernando extended his life by 14
years, long enough for his daughter Olivia to graduate from high school and
start her college career, all with a loving father at her side. She is so
incredibly grateful that our gift as a family to her family changed all of
their lives, including her brother’s and her mother’s lives, and even the lives
and outlooks of extended family members. She recently had her first child, a
girl, and she named the baby Maya. It is a tremendous honor to be able to
participate in someone’s life that intimately, to actually change the course of
a life, to save a life. Organ donation is a great privilege – it gave me hope
when all hope seemed to be gone – and that continues through the years. My
daughter Meghan met Olivia, and shared what it is like to become a mother, so
the younger generation continues the same spirit of generosity.
MS: What should every woman know about
becoming a mother beforehand?
EV: That it will be the hardest work
you will ever do. That your heart will be broken in so many different ways
you’ll lose count. That you will fall in love so deeply and never fall out of
love no matter what your child does or says. That it will be the most
fulfilling, heart warming, growth producing thing you will ever do. It will
change you in ways you cannot now imagine.
MS: What is your writing life like now?
EV: I recently recovered from a pretty
serious shoulder injury. During that six-month recovery period I couldn’t write
at all because my shoulder was completely frozen. Even journaling for more than
five minutes was impossible. So that was tough. But it taught me a great lesson
– seize the moment. Put what is most important to you first on your list, not
last. So I’ve begun a morning writing practice where I make writing the first
thing I do. Some days it’s difficult. I show up late to work. But at least I
know I’ve already done the most important thing. My writing has always been the
way I supported myself – first as a journalist, and then as a corporate
communications manager. When I committed myself to creative writing in my
mid-40s, I had to learn to compartmentalize. I’ve always worked two jobs. The
difference now is that writing is job number one. Writing is hard work, but it
also brings me a lot of joy.
MS: The publishing industry is in a
state of enormous flux. What should
readers expect in five to ten years? Who
will still be reading books and in what format?
EV: My two-year-old granddaughter Lucia
is a dedicated reader. She has literally memorized several of her books and
holds them on her lap and “reads” them with tremendous expression. She takes
her favorite books to bed with her. I believe there will always be a place for
books. More content will be delivered in electronic form, but many people like
Lucia will continue to want to hold a printed book in their hands. As content
migrates online, it draws new readers; people who perhaps did not feel books
were accessible to them. Now they are. When you fall in love with a book,
ultimately, you will want to hold it in your hands or give it as a gift. No one
knows for certain what the future of publishing holds. But I have great hope
for the future of books.
MS: Do you have a favorite author or
poet?
EV: Too many to name, but here are a
few. Jonathan Franzen is one of the great prose stylists working today – his
novel Freedom blew me away. I love
anything by Ann Patchett, particularly Bel
Canto, her novel, and her memoir Truth
and Beauty. I love the Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk – in particular his
novel, Snow. Also Michael Ondaatje – The English Patient, Divisadero, and any
of his poetry. I also love the poetry of Ellen Bass, Louise Gluck, Kay Ryan,
Chana Bloch, Jorie Graham, and Robert Haas. Lastly I will mention the work of
Sigrid Undset, a Norwegian writer who won the Nobel Price in 1928 for her
trilogy, Kristen Lavransdatter, the
most amazing book about motherhood ever written. I reread it every two years.
It always makes me cry. I learn something new each time I read it. Who knew
there were feminists in twelth century Norway, the time period of the novel?
MS: Do you have a favorite spiritual
leader and what has been his/her influence on you?
EV: Again, there are many. Perhaps the
most influential has been Shunryu Suzuki, who brought Zen practice to the West,
and founded the San Francisco Zen Center. His book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, profoundly affected my meditation
practice.
MS: What are your favorite things to do
on a Sunday afternoon?
EV: I love lazy Sunday afternoons,
although perhaps what I love to do does not sound so lazy. I love to swim laps
and bask in the sun. Another favorite activity is hiking in the giant redwood
groves above Oakland where I live. Brunch with my daughter Meghan, her husband
Todd and Lucia is another favorite Sunday activity. When Downton Abbey starts
again, you’ll find me glued to the TV screen on Sunday evenings.
MS: Please add any thoughts about your
life, your writing, your family that you’d like us to know.
EV: My writing seems to be reaching a
new level, and I feel very happy about that. I currently have three essays out
in anthologies, and each of them is a strong piece of writing in different
ways. I’m currently working on a new introduction to Swimming with Maya, with
the goal of bringing out an e-book and a paperback within the next several
months. I have another memoir I’m working on revising – about a midlife decision
to live in a cohousing community that ran off the rails with poignant and
hilarious results.
I love
being the mother of a fabulous daughter, and I double love being a grandmother.
As Anne LaMott says, it’s the bonus round. My son-in-law has become a real son
to me, and since I never had a son, that’s been wonderful. Our little family
brings me great joy and the satisfaction of seeing life come full circle. My
new ambition is to live long enough to see Lucia bounce my great grandchild on
her knee!
Thank you so much, Eleanor for being here with me today.
Eleanor Vincent Author Bio
Eleanor Vincent’s memoir, Swimming
with Maya: A Mother’s Story, traces
the life and death of her 19-year-old daughter and the subsequent donation of
Maya’s organs and tissues. Published in paperback and eBook by Dream of Things, Swimming with Maya portrays a mother’s struggle to recover after a
devastating loss and shows how the bonds between donors and recipients can have
a positive impact on grief recovery. It was a finalist for the Independent
Publisher of the Year Award.
Eleanor’s essays currently appear
in At The End of Life: True Stories About
How we Die, edited by Lee Gutkind; This
I Believe: On Motherhood; and Impact:
An Anthology of Short Memoirs. Other work has appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle, The San Jose Mercury News, Five Fingers Review, The Sacramento Bee and other newspapers
and magazines. Her essays, poetry and short fiction have appeared in a variety
of anthologies, including The Santa
Barbara Review, Across the
Generations, and The Napa Review.
She is the recipient of a
Community Service Award from the California Transplant Donor Network for her
outreach work with organ donors and recipients. Eleanor has also been
recognized for writing excellence by a Woman of Promise Award from the Feminist
Writers’ Guild and a Mary Merrit Henry Award from Mills College, where she
received her MFA in Creative Writing in 1995.
You can find out more about Eleanor at her website.
