I'm so proud to know Doreen Cox, loving caregiver

I first met Doreen in a women's memoir group on LinkedIn. We got to chatting and then moved on to reading each other's books and reviewing them. I was so intrigued with Doreen's story about caring for her mother - the pure love mother and daughter had for each other - that I wanted to get to know Doreen better. I found that not only did she give undivided love to her mother she gives it to all of the people in her life. I have been a recipient.  No day goes by when I don't hear from Doreen either on Facebook, Twitter, a comment on my blog, or an email. I am indeed blessed to know her.

Please read about her journey in writing her first book and how she got it published. I can relate since my memoir was culled from years of journaling as well.

A Cathartic Journey

By Doreen Cox

Throughout the three years of my Care Bear experience, I scribbled in a journal at night in order to stave off despair, to keep my sanity; to cut loose the tears that had been bottled up inside while I took care of my dementia-addled mom throughout the day. A few months before she died, a niece-in-law asked to read my scribbles. Jenni planted the seed for me to publish, at least for family and friends. After my mother died, I discovered a cache of letters that I had written her during college and when living out of state. Those letters were my first forays into journaling for I liberally wrote to my mom about my life. While rereading those letters, I had an ‘aha’ kind of moment.

For much of my adult life, my mom had been after me to write a book, any book. Technical and procedures manual writing in my earlier career endeavors was the closest that I came. My ‘aha’ moment occurred about three months after my mom had died. I told myself to just, ‘play with it,’ and began typing up and printing out my journal. There was no rhyme or reason to the content, the topic covered. Each page contained scribbles relating to the events, thoughts and emotions of the day. My computer had an old version of Word; I was not online. I did go to our local bookstore and perused a few books on writing memoirs. My mind, though, was too addled to focus on a ‘how-to’ process.

The next phase was cut-and-paste by topic relating to my experiences, literally, with scissors. Doing jigsaw puzzles while my mom read to me from children’s books had relaxed my stress. My cut-and-paste process seemed to temper the raw emotions that came while piecing together the story of this final journey with my mom. I began to write in more of the day-to-day incidences and ordeals that had occurred as dementia had taken over more of her brain. On two occasions, I actually threw the entire draft into the garbage can, albeit a clean one.

Deciding on and naming the chapters was also akin to doing a jigsaw puzzle. It was while typing a second draft that I began to feel a sense of excitement. Proofreading a manual had always been fun for me so editing the memoir added to my excitement. The most poignant aspect was that it often felt as if I were being guided to, ‘Take out this section,’ or, ‘Move this chapter here,’ or, ‘Use this word.’

I ran into a man with whom I used to work; Isaac was now a Hospice chaplain and had recently published his story. He gave me the name of his Indie Publisher, Phyllis Olmstead. We met and my excitement grew; all was in motion. She massaged the chapters for book-print, added pictures, and highlighted key caregiver points. Her respectfulness of my desires made the process a nourishing one.

About Doreen: Just look at that smile. It warms me all over. And I had the wonderful pleasure to have lunch with her last spring when we were both visiting in the Washington, DC area. Her zest for life and enthusiasm for her work are contagious.  

Armed with a BS degree from a liberal arts college, a sense of wanderlust and a passion for experiential knowledge relating to people and their social environments, Doreen Cox began a career path that, to some, might appear haphazard, like a revolving door. It includes: business firm project coordinator positions, hospital staff recruitment, substance abuse counselor, mental health screener, and emotionally disturbed children’s case manager. The common denominators for each career endeavor are the use of communication and liaison skills in settings that were dynamic to the author because of the diversity of people she encountered.

     The author was into her eighth year as a group counselor at an alternative school for at-risk students when her most challenging position presented itself.  The author’s first book, Adventures in Mother-Sitting, is a memoir of her three years as a full-time caregiver.  Because of the downward spiral of her mother’s mental, physical and developmental abilities due to dementia, the author’s well-honed communication and listening skills were put to their ultimate test.  Her previous career adventures had indeed added more stores of knowledge, fostered the growth of self-confidence and provided assuagement of that restless spirit.  The experience as her mother’s caregiver, however, offered the ultimate spiritual adventure, bringing to the author bittersweet lessons related to trust, faith, unconditional love, and compassion.  The author, wanderlust currently at rest, resides in Florida. 

Introducing my guests

For a change of pace I’m going to devote the next three weeks to the voices of other wonderful and experienced writers and publishers. I’ve asked eight people whom I’ve either met personally or online to tell you about their writing, publishing, and marketing experiences.

I feel so fortunate that they have agreed to be my guests here on Choices. I hope you will keep coming back for more and more. You’ll find the information interesting and very helpful to your writing lives.

Here’s my guest lineup in order of appearance:

Sharon Lippincott            November 26

Sharon is the author of The Heart and Craft of Lifestory Writing, knows she's been successful. Her insightful questions and observations have challenged people in many areas for decades. Today they are primarily aimed at students in her lifestory and creative writing classes along with readers of her blog, forum posts, book reviews, and other publications.

Kathleen Pooler            November 29

Kathy is a writer and a retired Family Nurse Practitioner who is working on a memoir about how the power of hope through her faith in God has helped her to transform, heal and transcend life’s obstacles and disappointments: divorce, single parenting, loving and letting go of an alcoholic son, cancer and heart failure to live a life of joy and contentment.

Mike O’Mary                      December 2

Mike is founding dreamer of Dream of Things (my publisher), and a writer of essays, fiction, drama, and sketch comedy. He says, “I started Dream of Things because I wanted to find ways for us to work together more often. I also hope to make a lot of new friends and to work with many of them. Dream of Things is a place where other “dreamers” can share their ideas and stories and have fun in the process.”

Deborah Kalan                 December 5

Deborah says, “It feels great to send my words out to the universe and hope that something I say, some group of words or stack of sentences might affect someone in a positive, reflective way. That’s when I know if I’m asked ‘what do you do’? I can casually and with great confidence say, ‘I’m a writer.’”

Cheryl Stahle                    December 7

Cheryl, author of Slices of Life: the Art and Craft of Memoir Writing, is a memoirist, writing coach, teacher and author. She has set as her life mission to help people tell their life stories using her years of experience as a writing coach combined with a slightly off-center perspective of the world.

Keith Alan Hamilton     December 10

Keith says, “I’m a publisher, editor, poet, writer and cell phone photographer.  I have a mind that fires on all cylinders; I think and think and think about everything, often to the point of mania, which leads to mental fatigue with extreme lows of prolonged depression.  I have thought of suicide so often, I’ve gotten used to it as a part of me being me.”  

Sonia Marsh             December 13

Sonia is a “Gutsy” woman who can pack her carry-on and move to another country in one day. She’s a motivational speaker who inspires her audiences to get out of their comfort zone and take a risk. She says everyone has a “My Gutsy Story”; some just need a little help to uncover theirs. Her story, told in her travel memoir Freeways to Flip-Flops: A Family’s Year of Gutsy Living on a Tropical Island, is about chucking it all and uprooting her family to reconnect on an island in Belize.

Doreen Cox               December 16

Doreen’s first book, Adventures in Mother-Sitting, is a memoir of her three years as a full-time caregiver. The experience as her mother’s caregiver offered the ultimate spiritual adventure, bringing to the author bittersweet lessons related to trust, faith, unconditional love and compassion.   

The Look Challenge

Linda Hoye, author of Two Hearts, invited me to take part in The Look Challenge for writers. According to Linda, “The premise is simple: find a passage in your manuscript or book that contains the word “look,” post it on your blog, and tag five other blogging writers to do the same. Seems to me like a great way to introduce readers to other writers, so I’m all in.”

And I’m all in too. Here is a one of the poems included in my memoir Leaving the Hall Light On – it even has the right title for this challenge.

The Look

(inspired by the movie “Revolutionary Road”)

She looked toward him

from the counter

and offered him a glass of orange juice

freshly squeezed.

She was fully dressed in blouse and skirt

and little wedgie shoes,

Her makeup was perfect.

Her long blonde hair just so.

She then invited him to sit down

at the table.

“Scrambled or fried eggs?” she asked.

He said whatever is easier, scrambled

probably, and unbuttoning

his suit jacket sat down,

looking at her all the while.

She stood at the sink scrambling and

when the eggs were cooked,

she sat down

opposite him and they ate.

Not much talking, mostly eating, and looking

closely at each other’s eyes.

He got up to go.

“That’s the best breakfast you ever made

for me,” he said.

And before he left, he asked her

if she was still mad

at him from the night before.

They had yelled at each other and showed so much hate

that she ran off into the woods

beyond their yard.

“Leave me alone,” she screamed,

“I need to think,” and he went to bed

alone.

But this morning there was complete calm.

Her eyes clear, her face luminous,

showing none of last night’s horrific pain.

She had the look that said

she had found her

peace. And, it didn’t include him.

I saw that look once before

on my son’s face, the night before

he took his own life.

So I knew what was coming.

It was eerie to be so certain

that this was where this story

was going.

As she said, “No, I don’t hate you,”

she took his face in her hands

and smiled slightly.

She then walked him

to the door and stood there until

he drove away.

She turned and went inside.

That was the last time

he would see her alive.

Now, I extend the challenge to these five wonderful writers. Please take a look at their websites and become familiar with their work. You are in for a treat.

Angela Felsted, editor of Poetry Pact, 2011

Eleanor Vincent, author of Swimming with Maya

Sonia Marsh, author of Freeways to Flip-Flops

Doreen Cox, author of Adventures in Mother-Sitting

Laurel Garver, author of Never Gone