My guest today is Jennifer Richardson, author of Americashire: A Field Guide to a Marriage (She Writes Press, May 2013) who discusses her decision to live a child-free life. This topic is particularly of interest to me because my son and his wife recently made that decision as well.
Here's Jennifer:
Living
a Childfree Life: The Oprah Problem and Other Myths
I already
know what you’re thinking. You’re about to read something fabulous and
envy-inducing. Because surely, since I chose not to have kids, I must be living
the life exotic AND making a difference along the way. It’s not your fault for
thinking this; that blame lies directly with Oprah.
While the
childfree life has become quite stylish with celebrities today–everyone from
Rachel Ray to Ellen and Portia to John Hamm and his girlfriend, Jennifer
Westfeldt, are doing it–the flagship celebrity for the childfree cause is
Oprah. And this is a problem because the woman is such a damn overachiever. It
would be one thing if I could quietly rock the corporate life mediocre and
write a bit in my spare time. But no–thanks to Oprah, I am expected to own my
own television network, publish a magazine with my picture on the cover every
month, and educate all the girls in South Africa. Anything less and I am
failing to live up to the career superwoman assumptions that have been
mistakenly bestowed up on me as a childfree woman. (My sincere apologies to all my exhausted,
discriminated against, working-mother friends. I know I am supposed to be
smashing glass ceilings on your behalf, and I do really feel bad about this
when I use my middle manager paycheck to buy a second glass of wine.)
Hang on to
your seat because, now that I have busted the first myth about childfree women
being career powerhouses, there’s more to debunk. Let’s start with the polite
but misplaced belief that my marriage must be awesome because my husband and I
have so much time to focus on each other. Au contraire, my naïve mother-friend.
In fact, sometimes I think it was a mistake that my husband and I didn’t have
kids, primarily because we don’t get the benefit of having that distraction for
eighteen years or so. There are no exhausting efforts getting a little one to
eat or sleep, or, later, crazed schedules chauffeuring them around to school
and soccer and ballet.
In the
absence of such demands, you actually have to make conversation with your
spouse. Like every day. And because my husband is the one between us
who’s in touch with a feminine side, his favorite insult to throw at me in a
fight is that we don’t have anything to talk about anymore. My instinctual reaction to this is, “What on
earth do you expect after eleven years of marriage? What, exactly, is the quality level of
conversation you require during every single breakfast and every single dinner
of every single day?” The irony is that, of late, our go-to topic of
conversation is one that is also popular in the homes of parents of young
children. This, of course, is poop. I chalk this up to being middle-aged–I
certainly don’t remember being so scatological before forty. But now, the
morning contents of the toilet bowl, or lack thereof, are a reliable topic of
conversation.
I have just
one final bubble to burst for all the moms out there, which is you would be
full-figured at forty even if you didn’t have that kid. That’s just what happens
to our metabolism when we hit middle age. I am embarrassed to tell you that
I’ve gained the best part of twenty pounds since I got married. Admittedly,
this is also because I get to drink a lot more wine than you do, moms, and that
goes straight on the belly. I never had to cut back for a pregnancy, or to
breastfeed, or because I might get drunk and drop my infant. Hell, I wish I could blame my post-marital
weight gain on not being able to lose the baby weight. It’s much more dignified than being an old
wino.
So what does
all this tell you about the childfree life? Well, for me, choosing not have
kids wasn’t a sacrifice I made for something else I wanted to do (be a CEO),
have (a “fulfilling” marriage) or be (unnaturally super-hot well into middle
age). Lacking sufficient enthusiasm for what is quite possibly the hardest job
on earth, it was simply a choice I made. And so here I am, a childfree woman in
all my middle manager, scatological, slightly bloated, wine-drinking glory.
Synopsis of Jennifer's book:
When an
American woman and her British husband decide to buy a two-hundred-year-old
cottage in the heart of the Cotswolds, they’re hoping for an escape from their
London lives. Instead, their decision about whether or not to have a child
plays out against a backdrop of village fêtes, rural rambles, and a cast of
eccentrics clad in corduroy and tweed.
About the Author:
Jennifer Richardson is an American Anglophile who spent three
years living in a Cotswold village populated straight out of English central
casting by fumbling aristocrats, gentlemen farmers, and a village idiot. She is
married to an Englishman who, although not the village idiot, provides her with
ample writing material. She currently lives in Santa Monica, California along
with her husband and her royal wedding tea towel collection.
You can find Jennifer Richardson and her book here:
Americashire:
A Field Guide to a Marriage, published by
She Writes Press
www.americashire.com I am particularly enamored by her maps and interactive guides to each of four Cotswold walks that she discusses in her book. Click on Book Extras when you get to her home page.
and her blog: Baroness Barren: Tales of a Child Free Life
That’s exactly what happens when you fall for pop culture—dashed expectations! I had two children. Their young years were the best of my life. But in the end I got anxious about the career I’d sacrificed for motherhood; then I rushed them out the door, only to realize … well, let’s just say you get to the 11-year corporate itch much quicker and with a lot more resentment than the overdone marriage lacking sizzle.
ReplyDeleteBTW, don’t feel too bad about not matching Oprah’s list of achievements; her project in South Africa was actually a dismal failure - maybe because South African girls don’t agree that they need to be ‘saved.’ We like to solve our own problems.
Your book sounds like fun – congratulations on a great achievement: getting a book written and published.
Belinda.
Hi Belinda,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback and the compliment, much appreciated. I joke about expectations of childfree women in this blog, but, from what I hear from my friends who are mothers, you all have it much worse! It seems everyone has an opinion on how to mother a child, and the supermom celebrities (Gwyneth is coming to mind) aren't making it any easier...
Take care and hope you check out the book.
Jennifer
Thanks for your astute comments, Belinda. I'm sure you'll enjoy Jennifer's book.
ReplyDelete