Sunday, December 12, 2010

Reminders are everywhere

We saw the Randy Newman show "Harps and Angels" last night -- an ensemble performance of his marvelous words and music. The graphics, skits associated with the music, and the band were excellent and very entertaining.


The band played in the back above the stage and wasn't visible throughout most of the show. That reminded me of the time Paul was in a band that accompanied the circus portion of the Texas State Fair in Dallas, Texas. His band was way above the stage and out of sight of the audience throughout the circus acts.


It's interesting where the reminders come from and how they hit me square in the gut when they appear - like when I was at a shopping mall and heard a some music Paul liked as a child.



Cat Stevens Then and Now

As I walked up the stairs I heard Cat Stevens singing
the familiar words of his song, “Morning has Broken,”
and there I was back in 1973
in our old gray Chrysler station wagon
with the wood trim and fake red leather seats
and Paul was sitting in the back
belting out the words with him. He was only two then
still clutching his green stuffed turtle for dear life
as we drove along.
His fat cheeks were rosy red, his blonde hair
cut like an upside down cereal bowl around his face.
Then I return to this day and my table at the
westside mall where the lunch crowd
is beginning to gather 
not knowing or caring how I grieve
for the chubby little boy sitting in his car seat
when so little made him happy.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Reach out - help is really out there

A friend of mine recently asked me to contact her friend who had lost a son to suicide. She thought I could tell her friend about my experience as a way of helping her. Although I called with trepidation -- I worried about being intrusive -- I felt our conversation went well. And hopefully we can continue not just for her benefit but for mine as well.


I reconnected with an old school-days friend after our son died because he had had a similar experience six years before. And from the minute he walked through my door I felt relief. Here was someone who really understood what I was going through. He wasn't there to give me therapy. He was just there -- anytime I needed him to be there.


So my point is - reach out to anyone you know who can be there for you in your time of need.


We also went to the Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services Survivors After Suicide eight-week workshop after Paul died. I know I've written about Didi Hirsch, before but I feel it's appropriate to mention this workshop again. Other people in your shoes will be there. You can learn from and support each other. But don't attend a group too soon after your loved one's death while you are still very raw. Give yourself time to grieve a while first. And then reach out.

  • Groups are typically composed of six to ten survivors - parents, siblings, friends - that meet once a week for one and a half hours, for eight consecutive weeks.
  • Only those who have lost a loved one to suicide are eligible to participate in the support group.  
  • It is not a "drop-in" group. The same people will be in a group for the entire eight weeks.
  • Groups are led by a therapist with expertise in suicide bereavement, and co-facilitated by a survivor who has lost a loved one to suicide, went through the eight-week group program, and now volunteers his or her time to help others.
For more information go to:
http://www.didihirsch.org/services/emergency/spc/sas

Friday, December 10, 2010

A calm moment

Paul loved Joshua Tree, California. He and his girlfriend went there the spring before he died. I recently found this small piece of his writing describing one of their calm moments together.




Shhh/Peaceful

The Joshua trees are a silent passerby to their secret marriage. An infinite universe of sand and stars envelops them as they look, gracefully, into each other’s eyes. She lies on her back with her hair splayed out on the thick blanket. He sits above her, caressing her face with his hand.


I've never been to Joshua Tree. Maybe someday though I think going there would be painful.

A lot of people in Paul's his life tried to help him, and he rejected most of the help they offered.  Perhaps help would have worked better had it come from people unknown to him.

Samaritans USA

This is a coalition whose primary purpose is to befriend people who are depressed, in crisis and suicidal.

 For more information about Smaritans USA go to:
http://www.samaritansnyc.org/

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Paul and his grandpa

Paul and his grandpa (my father) loved each other. They hung out, they played, they took naps together - all before my father got sick with cancer and couldn't do those things anymore. Losing his grandpa was a big loss in Paul's life.

I love this photo of the two of them together. My father, a mostly serious kind of guy, always smiled when Paul was around.


Perhaps had his grandfather been alive, he would have been able to help Paul.

Stop a Suicide Today
Stop a Suicide Today is designed for family and friends - to teach them the warning signs and how to respond. Again, an organization that would have been tremendously useful to us.


If you suspect a friend, family member or co-worker is considering suicide, do not wait and see. Act now: acknowledge, show you care, and help your loved one get the treatment he or she needs. For more information go to:
http://www.stopasuicide.org/

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Paul and John

Paul was a huge fan of John Lennon -- his music, his life, his whole personna. When he was killed Paul was devastated and he was only nine years old at the time.


One of my favorite John Lennon songs is "Beautiful Boy." Everytime I hear it, I think of Paul. Please go to the link below and listen. A beautiful song about a beautiful boy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uldu_1-JCJE


One of Paul's friends tried so hard to help him. He knew that Paul was in crisis, but Paul wouldn't let him in. Perhaps training at this next organization would have helped.


Life Savers


LifeSavers is a peer-support, suicide and crisis-prevention program developed to train young adults to be caring listeners in their interactions with their peers. It involves a team approach to helping teenagers cope healthfully with the challenges of drugs and alcohol, peer and family relationships, sexual issues, violence, academic problems, death and grieving, aggression, anxiety, and suicide.
  • LifeSavers is often the first line of defense for high school communities, because it uses our greatest assets in helping young people--the young people themselves.
  • LifeSavers trains selected students from 9th through 12th grades to be skilled listeners who can responsibly help other students deal with the emotional crises of adolescence. Students are not trained to be peer counselors, but to be listeners.
  • LifeSavers are also trained to recognize when a peer's problem is beyond their abilities and to know what resources are available to refer peers to for the appropriate help. 


For more information about Life Savers go to:

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Missing Paul


What I Miss

Eleven years didn’t erase him.
He is still with me everyday.
The memories haven’t dimmed.
His face, his body, his buzzed hair
are clearly visible in my mind.

I miss his sounds,
hearing him play
his music
as his bent fingers
lightly trickled up
and down the keyboard,
hearing his footsteps
on the stairs,
on the hardwood floors
as he prowled
around the house at night,
hearing his deep voice
as he said, “hello”
when he came home from work

I also miss his expertise.
He’d work on our computer problems at night
and leave carefully written instructions
in childish printing
for us to find the next morning.

I don’t miss his smoking,
I don’t miss his bad moods
during his last few years,
I don’t miss that his sickness
sometimes made him angry
and me angry at him.
No, I don’t miss those things.

But, I don’t think about them.
I just think about the things about him
that I miss.

Here's information everyone should know about. We certainly didn't.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If  you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Call for yourself or someone you care about. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is:
  • Free and confidential
  • A network of more than 140 crisis centers nationwide
  • Available 24/7

For more information and how to get involved go to:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Letters from Paul

Paul was constantly writing letters to his girlfriend while he was at home in Manhattan Beach and she was in New York City. Here are a couple he wrote in February 1996. Though he says he mailed them, I don't know if he ever did. He wrote them in long-hand, so if he mailed them, he must have written out a copy.



February 26, 1996


Hi, I have the taste of peaches and strawberries in my mouth. I haven’t eaten any lately, I’m just imagining. I don’t know why, but I associate these fruits with you.


Actually there are some peaches in the bowl upstairs but I don’t want to eat any until I’m next to you. I’m looking at a photograph that you took of yourself. The photo shows you laying on your couch with some light shining in from the window. I love this photograph because the combination of your creativity and physical beauty is breathtaking. The sun here is nice, I like to walk on the beach, and I’m also meditating. I know that you’re happy in New York. Please stay strong. I love you.

February 27, 1996
Hi. I’m looking out at the clouds and they are dense and gray. There is almost no wind and the air is hanging in a humid mass over the neighborhood. I feel closed in here: my only light comes from myself and the awareness that I am constantly expanding my consciousness of the world around me. When I go to sleep at night, I feel you laying next to me. When I wake in the morning, I wonder when I’ll see you. The garden outside reminds me of your innate talent for growing things. I now realize that I have learned more about myself from you than from anyone else. I’ll probably be here in LA for a while: my mania has calmed significantly, but it’s going to take some time for my mental state to return to normal. You sound lovely. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you.


PS: I’m sending these letters now (on Sunday). Since the Saturday evening of my last breakdown I’ve been troubled by my inability to communicate my feelings on the phone. I wanted to send you something to read and to hold on to. Please be strong and love yourself. 


If only this next sucicide prevention and education organization had existed when Paul was first diagnosed as bipolar. 

The JED  Foundation, founded in 2000 by Phil and Donna Satow after they lost their 20-year-old son, Jed, to suicide.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students, and untreated mental health problems prevent thousands more students from graduating every year. The Jed Foundation’s programs, guided by an expert board of mental health professionals and target students, parents, colleges, the medical community, and the general public, are designed to reduce the rate of suicide and the prevalence of emotional distress among college students.

To achieve this end, the organization collaborates with the public and leaders in higher education, mental health, and research to produce and advance initiatives that:
  •       Decrease the stigma surrounding emotional disorders and increase help-seeking in    the college student population  
  •       Increase understanding of the warning signs of suicide and the symptoms of emotional disorders among college students 
  •       Build awareness of the prevalence of suicide and emotional disorders among college students 
  •       Strengthen campus mental health services, policies, and programs

 For more information about the JED Foundation go to:
http://www.jedfoundation.org